Exhausted

     First of all, it was really nice today not having to walk to the train station.  Today was kinda a rough day.  It's midnight over here and I am just figuring out how to word everything.  Today we discussed racism in South Africa.  Growing up in the South racism was always something that seemed to occupy people's minds, but I have never seen or heard it very obvious.  If anything I feel like people tip toe around the issue because they are afraid of offending someone if they use the wrong words.  It's not like that here.  Grant gave us a chance to discuss racism in our home countries for a bit and I was surprised to hear some of the people from America say that in their home towns that no white people work.  I didn't really understand that because every job I have had there have been a lot of different kinds of people, but I guess it's different in different parts of the US. 
     He then asked us to share some of the experiences we have had of racism here.  I don't live on campus so I have seen strong structural racism and really strong power differentials, but I am not surrounded by the South African students so I haven't had many experiences with people.  What some of the other people said about their experiences really bothered me though.  One girl shared that at the Rugby game a white South African made the statement, "I think all black and colored people should be our servants."  Another girl said that one of the white South African's who she knows just flat out said, "I hate black people".  Apparently white South Africans have been warning the kids in our class not to take the train because "the black and colored people take the train, so it's dangerous".  I started almost feeling offended and I know I really shouldn't be because they aren't saying anything about me, but it was just so in your face. 
     Some of the other people in the class have told me that if you bring up Apartheid with a white South African, they will literally get mad at you for bringing it up and say, "That's over, they should just get over it."  Honestly, if it had been like 100 or 200 years ago I could sort of understand where they are coming from but it's been about 20 years since it happened.  20 years.  That means the professors who are teaching us (one of my teachers is black and the other is colored) experienced this first hand. 
     Grant tells us stories about people letting dogs out on him and his brother when they were very young and his brother getting huge gashes in his head from the dog. He said wasn't allowed to walk next to all of his siblings because if a colored person walked with more than one person, then it was an unlawful gathering and they would be arrested.  This is what really surprised me: colored people's ancestry has been erased.  They can only trace as far back as is colored.  They have no way of knowing exactly where they come from and they have no way of doing their genealogy because they have all been erased.  Grant says that both white people and black people claim that they never had "relations" with each other, but there are more colored people than any other color of people.  Where do they think they came from?  Apparently they think erasing their history will erase how they got here. 
     There are some other stories, but I really don't want to write them because if I have to write them, then I have to think about them again and I am not game for that.  I really struggled with this lesson to the point that I actually started breaking out in hives.  Grant always tells us to look at things in a non-emotional way, but it's really hard when there are so many traces of it all around.  I sat in class and started thinking about all the times I went to the malls or the market because I was hoping I could think of one store I walked through that had a white worker.  I am wanting to say that I do remember one in Cape Town, but other than that I couldn't think of a single one.
     Even though these issues are still so strong today, the people are so kind.  As I mentioned, I had a wonderful conversation with the Xhosa women at the laundry place the other day.  One of the girls was even from Kayamandi (that massive township I showed pictures of earlier) and she was just happy as she could be.  These people seem to be holding next to no grudge.  Grant says that some of the older people get anxious, but that for the most part they want to move on.  He says it's just very hard to forget something the older people lived with for so long, but that for the most part they are trying to move on towards the "rainbow nation" they want so bad.  I personally believe that this mindset is directly related to the leadership of Nelson Mandela.  He could have so easily come back from prison and cried for revenge, but he didn't.  I feel the South Africans are really following his example and just trying to move on.
     I don't want this to sound like all white South Africans are bad and they are all racists because they certainly aren't.  There were white South Africans who fought the Apartheid along side of the black and the colored South Africans.  I am just struggling with the idea that there are still some/many (I don't know how many) who will say they dislike a certain color and act as if there isn't anything wrong with it or to say a certain colored person is more or less dangerous than another because of the color fo their skin.  I know my mom warned me about how it was going to be here and I did read some stuff about it, but nothing could have prepared me for this.  I don't think I could have been prepared for the actual racism nor could I be prepared for the forgiveness and the strength of the people who treated so bad.  It truely is a bittersweet feeling because I am filled with anger and sadness and rage and every bad feeling I can think of to think about how real and alive these issues are right now, but at the same time I feel very inspired and touched and humbled by how the black and colored people (that I have encountered) are moving forward and are choosing to be happy.
     Today has obviously been a little emotional for me which means I am absolutely exhausted.  I don't know how I would have made it to Xhosa if we did this on a Monday.  I am excited to sleep in and have a nice slow Saturday and SundayI am also looking forward to working with the students on Monday.  We are talking about nutrition with the girls and making a fruit salad.  With the boys and girls we are doing a slide show of our families and our home countries.  After the slide show we are going outside and dancing!  We are going to teach them the Cupid Shuffle and the Cha Cha slide.  It should be super fun.  I am very sorry if I have sounded terribly depressing, but I feel like people should know.  I feel like I should have known.  Tomorrow's post will be much more upbeat I am sure.  Hamba Kukuhle.